Denny's: Sold & Shutting Down?: The corporate spin, the real reasons, and your Grand Slam's future.
Denny's: From Grand Slam to Grand Larceny?
So, Denny's is getting bought out. Again. Because throwing pancakes at the wall to see what sticks hasn't exactly worked, has it?
TriArtisan Capital Advisors, Yadav Enterprises... sounds like a law firm specializing in offshore accounts. They're swooping in to "save" Denny's, which, let's be real, has been circling the drain faster than a rogue turd in a hurricane. They call it "an iconic piece of the American dream." I call it a greasy spoon clinging to life support.
The price tag? A measly $322 million for the whole damn chain. That’s like finding loose change under the sofa cushions for these private equity vultures. Shareholders get $6.25 a share. A 52% premium, they say. Translation: "We're giving you just enough to shut up and go away."
The End of 24/7? More Like the End of Days
One of Denny's big "selling points" was being open 24/7. You know, for those late-night cravings after a questionable evening. But even that's gone to hell. They eased up on the 24/7 requirement because... what? People stopped getting drunk at 3 AM? Or maybe they realized their staff was tired of dealing with the fallout.
And speaking of fallout, check this out: a Denny's in Highland Heights, Ohio, had customers throwing food at employees because their Uber Eats order was wrong. A steak, no less! Is this where we're at? Is this the legacy of the Grand Slam? Turning into a food fight free-for-all? According to the Highland Heights Police Blotter, Angry customers throw steak and other food at Denny’s employees.
I mean, I get it, nobody wants a messed up order, but I don't think anyone, no matter how hangry, has the right to chuck food at someone. Maybe those customers were just upset about the dennys menu in general? I don't know...
It's not just angry customers; it's the competition. First Watch, with their fancy avocado toast and kale smoothies, is stealing Denny's breakfast thunder. Who wants a greasy Grand Slam when you can have organic quinoa bowls? (Okay, maybe I still want the Grand Slam, but I’m clearly part of a dying breed.)
Closures and Corporate BS
Denny's closed 180 locations in the last two years. They’re trying to "jumpstart traffic" with remodels and new menu items. Remodels? You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. And new menu items? Last time I checked, they were still slinging the same artery-clogging goodness that made them famous. Are they going to start offering vegan options? Because that would be the final nail in the coffin.
Kelli Valade, Denny's CEO, says this deal "maximizes value" and is in the "best interests of stockholders." Oh, please. That's corporate speak for "we're jumping ship before this whole thing sinks." She claims they reached out to 40 potential buyers. Forty! It sounds less like a strategic sale and more like a desperate plea.
And then there's this TriArtisan guy, Rhohit Manocha, calling Denny's "an iconic piece of the American dream." Give me a break. The "American dream" is supposed to be about upward mobility, not lukewarm coffee and questionable sausage.
Wake Me Up When the Nightmare Ends
Is this the end for Denny's? Will it become another relic of a bygone era, like Blockbuster or pay phones? Maybe. Or maybe these new owners will pull off some miracle turnaround. But honestly, I'm not holding my breath. I'm just waiting for the day when "dennys near me" turns into "nothing but a vacant lot."
So, What's the Real Story?
It's not about the pancakes; it's about the soul. And Denny's lost it a long time ago.